I didn’t know I’d wake up today and decide that it’s time.
It has been a crazy year. In every sense of the word. Weird, painful, epiphanic. But, most of all, absolutely awe-inspiring.
I’ve met people that have turned my world upside down, and, others, who countered, by putting the right side back up. All of them have changed me in immeasurable ways.
I’ve lived situations I never thought I’d be in or experience, not so close to one another, at least. I’ve learned life lessons in masses, intensive courses couldn’t have possibly kept up. Sometimes, I felt like my brain would actually explode, or my heart burst.
I’m a changed woman. Thanks to and in spite of everything and everyone this year.
And I love this woman.
Despite all the greatness, though, I can’t deny that it’s been exhausting. All of it. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’ve not had two weeks that have looked the same since last July. Where I’ve slept in the same bed. Had the same food, the same routine. I won’t go through the whys and hows, because they hardly matter. They’re not the point of this post, nor am I fishing for sympathy.
What matters is this: the good, the bad, and the extraordinary have taken a toll on me. And I feel it, everywhere. From my brain to my toes.
I’ve put off dealing with it for months. Since last July, to be exact. I’ve just kept piling change over change. I’ll deal with it one day, some day, I thought.
I got a massage a few weeks ago, and I wept. Actually wept. On the massage table. My superb masseuse, whom I love, didn’t flinch. As if it’s Tuesday. Why can’t I stop, I asked, as my uncontrollable tears filled my eyes and face. Oh honey. It’s the knots. I’m untying them.
The knots. She untied them.
As amazing as the feeling was then, I can’t help but think today, and regardless of how grateful I am for my older, wise masseuse, she and I band-aided the heck out of my body that day. The knots should have never been there to begin with.
It’s not one thing, it’s too many to list.. but I knew, that day, that something has got to change. Some things, rather. Too many things.
But I’m only one. The day is only 24 hours. And I refuse, in the process of becoming a healthier, better me, to kill myself in order to implement all the changes overnight. It’s counterproductive. It’s oxymoronic. And I won’t do it.
I’ve tried to make a change or two here and there, but then I’d give it up faster than an intern loses her dignity at a cigar club meeting. The thought that’s been swimming its way to the surface and was so intense when I woke up this morning, is whether I was ever doing these changes for me. I say and think that I was, but how could I when off they go at the slightest stressor, the smallest argument, a heartbreak, a tight deadline, a missed scholarship opportunity, and and and. The list goes on. So, I either wasn’t doing any of them for me, or, I was, but me has just been way down the list of my priorities, for way too long. And this is the likelier option.
Not anymore. I’m my own priority. Before school, before work, before my family, before a boy, before my friends. Before you raise your eyebrows, allow me to finish the thought. I can’t possibly satisfy any of the aforementioned if I’m not well, healthy. Heck, happy. So, yes. I come first.
A friend, who’s a mother, a wife, a gymnast. A (gorgeous) woman posted the other day a question to her followers about whether taking gymnastics out of her life would make her a better wife. Whether not missing a school play would make her a better mother. I loved her post. She knew the answer, I’m sure. But she wanted the rest of us to think about it, and share our thoughts while we’re at it. She can’t be the best wife or mother, if she herself isn’t feeling whole. Gymnastics does that to her. It’s what makes her happy. How could she possibly give, anything, if she herself is not fulfilled.
She can’t. Neither can I.
It starts today. I’m hoping (but I guess we’ll know when we get there) that the posts for the next 28 days won’t be as long or as deep. They’ll be my attempt to share with you my road to a healthier, better me, in every way.
- I’ve started hydrating since I opened my eyes.
- I’ve recharged my Fitbit.
- I’ve gotten my health and fitness sponsors (aka my bestfriend and her boyfriend) back in business.
- I walked for 32.5 minutes.
- I’ve listened to music I love.
- I’ve written this post.
- I’ve just finished my first cup of jasmine tea.
- I’m about to get some work done.
I’d say not too bad for day 0.